I have never asked for anybody to read my journal but this is something I want to tell people about. Please read.
I have lived in my one-bedroom loft for the past 6 months here in Madison. Absolutely love the place. On the West side of town, everything is near by and good people live in the building. Except for one couple. The girl actually lives in the apt with a roommate I never knew existed and she has a boyfriend (who doesn't live there). Let's call them Julie and James (I don't even know what his real name is, it could actually be James for all I know).
Since August, I have actually seen Julie a total of five times, once by herself and the other couple of times with James. Late at night a few times I have heard screaming. It is always Julie screaming at the top of her lungs. 'GET THE F#(& OUT OF MY HOUSE!' I mean this is at the top of her lungs. I get scared and I haven't known what to do. In late November, at 5am it all started, was the big fight where she screamed 'GET THE F#(% OUT OF MY HOUSE!', 'WHY DID YOU PUSH ME DOWN THE STAIRS?' and 'YOU ARE BREAKING MY F$&#ING ARM!' There was also a loud ruckus. I honestly didn't know what to do. The next day I realized I should have called the police. I thought maybe alcohol was involved. A couple days later I saw Julie at the mailboxes. I felt compelled to say something. Nobody else in the building is saying a word to anybody so I did. I said 'If you ever need somebody to talk to, I live next door.' Julie said 'Oh, we'd just had too much to drink.' I wasn't buying it. Her faced turned beat red. Nothing happened again.
Move ahead to this past Saturday night, early Sunday morning this past weekend. I fell asleep on the couch around midnight. At 4:15am, I heard the screaming from Julie and some ruckus. My tv was on and I muted it and sat bolt upright to hear what was going on but to also stay as quiet as I could. The 'GET OUT OF MY EFFING HOUSE' line was thrown about with some other curses. Then....scaring me more than anything else was a pounding on MY door. It was Julie crying and bleeding. I let her in and locked the door. I was terrified for her and for me. We sat on the floor. She kept apologizing for 'bothering' me with all of this. I told her not to worry and to breath and try to stay calm. I kept telling Julie that we need to call the police. She said that she is on probation and she will get into trouble if the police were to be called. I honestly had no idea what to do.
Then, scarying me more again, was ANOTHER pounding on my door. It was her boyfriend, James, looking for Julie obviously. We could hear him go back into their apartment, slam the door, stomp through the apt and open up the sliding glass door to look into MY apartment. Again, completely lost and scared out of our minds, we just sat there on the floor waiting for him to go away. She was crying uncontrollably and I just tried to keep her as calm as I could.
She told me what happened to lead into the fight. Julie and James were in bed doing what a boyfriend and girlfriend do in bed (I have kids who read this journal. I need to keep it tame). She told him to stop. He wouldn't. She punched him. He bit her finger (to the point it was bleeding and she thought it was broken) and he punched her THREE TIMES IN THE FACE. I told her a few times that she NEEDS to get out of this relationship. Julie kept saying how scared she is, this is the second abusive relationship she has been in, etc
I felt so bad for her. I've heard stories about how women who are abused stay in the relationship because they are too scared to get out. I understand it first hand now. Julie is terrified of this guy and of leaving this guy. She told me she is scared of what his backlash would be. I asked her if he had a gun. Julie told me he did. (First off, I thought he lived in the apartment. Second, he was NOT threatening anybody with it. I just asked it he had one) When I found out that he owned a gun, I was completely terrified. Who knows what this guy is capable of?
She wouldn't allowme to call the police (which looking back was stupid on my part). After 15-20 minutes, I did something that probably wasn't very bright. I hadn't heard anything in a while and I said 'I'm going to leave. Here are my keys. If you feel he has gone and you want to go back into your apt that's fine, but whatever you do, DON'T LET HIM IN HERE!' I went to a friend's to ask her for help. It's now 5:15am. We came to the conclusion the police needed to be called. I called the non-emergency police number and told them exactly what was going on. They told me to head back to my building, the police would be there in a few minutes. When I came back two cop cars were waiting. I got out of my car and told them exactly what had happened. One cop went into the building, the other stayed outside with me and we talked some more about what was going on. After five minutes, the second police officer said 'You just take a seat in your car and I'm going to go upstairs to see what is going on.' TAKE A SEAT IN MY CAR??? You can not be serious. I have NO IDEA where this dude is and I have NO IDEA what he is capable of. I told the officer I really don't feel comfortable doing that so I drove around the neighborhood for ten minutes or so until I got a call to say it was safe to go back to my building. The officer let me in the door. He said to me 'All Julie is saying happened is that she fell down the stairs.' I couldn't believe it. She was sticking up for him for god knows what reason. Being scared of him is the only reason I can come up with.
When I walked back upstairs, Julie was still talking to one of the officers while I went back into my apt to look for my keys. The officers left. (They said they were going to talk to me again before I left but whatever). I slept on the couch at the friend's house until 9:30 that morning until I came back here to get showered and get ready for work. I did NOT want to be here. I drove around until work. At work throughout the day, I got a lot of opinions on this situation on Sunday. One person said 'Just go back there, everything is going to be fine' to 'Just worry about yourself now, you have done all you can' to 'Go back to your apartment during the daylight, get your things and never go back!' to everything in between.
After work Sunday, I went to a friend's to watch the Grammy's then came back here. I will say that I was cautious. I parked farther away than I normally do. I was very quiet coming into my apartment and I locked the door right behind me. I didn't hear a peep Sunday night and I slept like a baby.
Fast-forward to tonight. I am back in my apartment as I'm typing away. I have felt better about these things today, but reading this has made me uneasy. Where is this guy? I've heard no charges can be filed unless they are by Julie (which after the 'I fell down the stairs' comment, that is NOT happening anytime soon). Julie's roommate, when she came home after all of this, reportedly said to the police 'THAT IS THE LAST STRAW! THAT GUY IS NEVER COMING BACK INTO OUR APARTMENT!' That was cool to hear. Good for her, now if only she could get Julie to do think the same. (After talking to the Apartment Manager today, she said their lease runs out at the end of March and it is not being renewed. The manager said they are having problems with Julie's roommate. Wow, I don't even want to know what is going on over there)
I want to get this story out there. I want people to help somebody they know is being hurt/abused/etc. I want feedback on what I could have done better and what I could and should do for the future. Has anybody else been in my situation? I just wanted to be a good neighbor and I know for a fact I did the right thing, but I am worried about Julie because I don't know if there will be a backlash on her. James could take out his rage on her. I've been told I can't do anything about that. I did what I could and I had help in the palm of her hand but she didn't take it. I should just back off, live my life and not worry about that situation I've been told. I'm not so sure I can do that. I'm scared for Julie and her future.
Please leave feedback.
9 comments:
Hey, I think that you did mostly the right thing. You should call the police each time something happens b/c if it were serious you would always feel liable. Calling the police costs you nothing, especially if you do it while they are fighting and the woman isn't at your place. I do understand and share you fear of the guy involved in the altercations. But I still think you did what was right. As far as the girl involved, she has to stand up for herself eventually. You can only do so much, being an outsider, a friend, or family member. Eventually every person must accept responsibility for themselves and STAND UP for themselves. You can only do so much. You put the police at her doorstep practically and she didn't accept that gift. She MUST see that she deserves better!!! She has to see that for herself otherwise all the emergency calls will do no good. So I say call the police each time you hear anything suspicious, the one time you don't, who knows what might happen, a horrible injury, a rape, or a death. But eventually each person must say I'm good enough and I won't take this anymore.
WOW! Who would have imagined that this would be the forum we would be connecting on after much time has past!
GOD WORKS IN MYSTERIOUS WAYS!! Can I get an AMEN!! *crowd responds in the distance*.
OKAY, *pushing up sleeves*, I have been on both sides of the waterfall pertaining to the like circumstances.
Being a 'Unniversal Humanitarian' myself, [yes! this does mean that I am labeling you as one as I think you truly have one of the BIGGEST human hearts in action that I have EVER met!] I KNOW that I too have been faced with similar 'dilemas' when helping or wanting to help my fellow man.
The FACT we usually don't take into consideration until MUCH later is the continuous battle between heart and mind. You are "feeling" for her through your HEART. Your MIND tells you after your feelings have been addressed what you decide you KNOW after the fact-call the police!'
You did the right thing. Julie is the stupid one who is too scared to finally tell him stop. Sad to say, those are the types of relationships that either stay bad, or get worse... to the point of where the boyfriend could end up killing her. It is hard to say yes, but even the roomate was standing up for the girl. Hopefully she will see that and realize that there are greater people out there.
All you should worry about is that you did the right thing. You showed her compassion and maybe she'll come around after that stunt. That is all you can do also.
~kitten~
*PART DUEX OF MY COMMENT* ...(SORRY bout that -technical difficulties =)
WHAT TO DO???? Not an easy piece of steak to chew but who else better or most fit for the challenge other than you? [hard pressed to come up with ANY answer for that one!!] So, keeping in mind YOUR very own resources, mind and heart , are in constant battle with each other, not due to what is going on with Julie and James, just because it is something that WE ALL have to face day to day and deal with however we choose too.
I hope people who take the time that you have requested of them to read your journal , if nothing else...do one thing-UNDERSTAND NOW WHAT MOMS AND DADS GO THROUGH-so often and on many levels....do what you are having pain right now doing ....WATCHING SOMEONE CONTINUE DOING SOMETHING YOU KNOW UNEQUIVICABLY IS NEGATIVE AND WILL ONLY CAUSE PAIN AND PRODUCE NEGATIVE RESULTS!!!! And even WORSE!!.....THERE IS NOTHING YOU CAN DO TO STOP IT!
Ryan, bottom line and summed up Reader's Digest style:
How you can help-YOU ALREADY HAVE by,
1. OFFERING HELP
2. PROVIDING PHYSICAL RESOURCES [YOUR home which you have now become insecure and afraid in because you wanted to take those exact feelings away for her....and through your 'goodness' have wound up in the SAME boat! go figure! but YES this is how the unniverse DOES work!
3.YOU HAVE ASKED FOR POLICE ASSISTANCE! [high five and a hip bump!...and like your second guesses ....I am in agreement.....SHOULD have called as initial reaction! BUT -SHOULD A COULD A EASTWOOD A! Lesson learned or hopefully learned should there be a next time.]
*THIRD COMMENTS A CHARM hehe*
WHAT TO DO???? Not an easy piece of steak to chew but who else better or most fit for the challenge other than you? [hard pressed to come up with ANY answer for that one!!] So, keeping in mind YOUR very own resources, mind and heart , are in constant battle with each other, not due to what is going on with Julie and James, just because it is something that WE ALL have to face day to day and deal with however we choose too.
I hope people who take the time that you have requested of them to read your journal , if nothing else...do one thing-UNDERSTAND NOW WHAT MOMS AND DADS GO THROUGH-so often and on many levels....do what you are having pain right now doing ....WATCHING SOMEONE CONTINUE DOING SOMETHING YOU KNOW UNEQUIVICABLY IS NEGATIVE AND WILL ONLY CAUSE PAIN AND PRODUCE NEGATIVE RESULTS!!!! And even WORSE!!.....THERE IS NOTHING YOU CAN DO TO STOP IT!
*COMMENT FOUR*
Ryan, bottom line and summed up Reader's Digest style:
How you can help-YOU ALREADY HAVE by,
1. OFFERING HELP
2. PROVIDING PHYSICAL RESOURCES [YOUR home which you have now become insecure and afraid in because you wanted to take those exact feelings away for her....and through your 'goodness' have wound up in the SAME boat! go figure! but YES this is how the unniverse DOES work!
3.YOU HAVE ASKED FOR POLICE ASSISTANCE! [high five and a hip bump!...and like your second guesses ....I am in agreement.....SHOULD have called as initial reaction! BUT -SHOULD A COULD A EASTWOOD A! Lesson learned or hopefully learned should there be a next time.]
WHAT I FEEL You must keep fore front when making choices and decisions regarding your involvement -
a. Ask assessment questions to keep balance between mind/heart connection-
ie:
1. Is what I am going to do going to produce the outcome I want?
2. Am I putting MY person or personal belongings or surroundings in jepordy by BEING [because that IS essentially what you become] a 'open door of help' to this person or situation?
3. Is it even possible through me and by me alone to make this happen?
*Sometimes we all have to 'lett-go-our-EGO's' and remember that we ARE mortal
and no matter how big our heart is or how high our hope...somethings we do not have the power to do more than offer, call or even silently bless!
No one deserves a beating, but feeling sorry for Julie is like feeling sorry for Charlie Brown when Lucy yanks the field goal away.... he really should know better by now.
Personally... I'd send the Colonel over to break one of the guy's arms... but I had the luxury, at 18 years old, of choosing the most intimidating man I ever met to eventually be my husband.
Most of us aren't 6'5", or haven't killed Iraqis before...so, unless you're totally thorough, it would be foolish to confront the guy yourself. It's a good way to get shot/stabbed/etc... Guys who beat women generally aren't that tough, so I'd imagine your confrontation ould be you backing the guy down, then him rushing out of the shadows to stab you as you got into the *s All Aroundmobile like a week later, after you let your guard down..
You're bigger than me but smaller than the Colonel... so here's what I'd do if I were you:
- take up a collection among sympathetic neighbors
- Go to the nearest gym
- Find the most powerful guy in there
- explain the situation to him, then offer him $X to go over and just beat the sh*t out of the guy. I mean really f*ck him up, break both arms/legs, etc...
- Have him be like "I'd recommend not putting your hands on her again, bitch..."
- Keep the big man on retainer, so that you can always bring in Option B.
***********************************************
By the way... I don't know what kind of police you have in your town..... but if they arrive and see signs of abuse, they are obligated to arrest the guy.... which MAY have been why they wanted YOU to sit in the cruiser.
I have a friend who's husband was arrested for grabbing her wrist as she tried to stab him with a knife.... I use that as the bar that one has to duck under to amaze me in Domestic Dispute Regulation.
Cops aren't the smartest guys on the public payroll, and it takes them a night in jail to figure out that you aren't the
Not much you can do, just be there and keep a log of what and when it happens so eventaully when this gets to a court you can say this is what the b*****d is like towards her. Don't get close emotionally to her and don't act like Errol Flynn and be chivalrous, the guy she is with is as likely to kill you as kill her when it goes bad he sounds like the sort who thinks with his fists and then opens his mouth going UHNnnnnnnnn..afterwards. In short nothing you can do at this very second will change how she is being treated all you can do is watch and wait til someone with some power decides to take the piece of trash that the guy is into a place where people with badder attitudes will inevitably kick the living shit out of him.
I heard somewhere that when a woman is battered by her husband/boyfriend, she is most likely to seek help from a social service agency (hotline, shelter, etc.) within the first 1-2 hours after a violent incident. Apparently this happens b/c the incident is still horribly fresh in the memory, and there hasn't been time to fall into the long-established patterns that prevent most victims from getting help: excuse-making, self-blame, or denial. In my hometown, there's a place called Safe Harbor, where battered women can turn when they've had enough. There are probably facilities like this, esp. in a city as large as Madison. When a woman calls the number, they're connected to a caring counselor who can help them understand exactly how dangerous their situation really is, as well as direct them to a safe place where they can spend the night or stay for a couple of days. This safe place is really important, b/c it (1) gives them a chance to escape the abuser for awhile, to gain distance and perspective (Safe Harbor, as I understand, is a "secret" kind of place, designed as such so that abusers won't know victims' whereabouts), and (2) to talk to a counselor face-to-face, gaining info about safe ways to get out of the relationship, deal with police, etc. If this girl feels she has no way out of her situation, she may need a gentle reminder that this kind of help is available. Find out all you can about resources in your area, and then you could simply slip her (or her roommate) a number, w/instructions to keep it somewhere safe, just in case. You could even anonymously MAIL it to her. Anything to get that number in her hands is CRUCIAL, I think...b/c even if she doesn't use it today or tomorrow, she may get fed up after another one of these terrible violent episodes and feel the NEED to talk to someone right away. That number could connect her with the help and support she obviously needs...without necessarily putting YOU in
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